The Ladies' Men Club
by Everybody's Neesan
Summary: Always turned down by the woman he loves, Miroku decides he needs some help. Enter the School for the Nanashi Method! Can Miroku pass, or will he and his classmates flunk out?
1. An Interesting Meeting

I don't own any of the characters mentioned by name in this story.

* * *

The Ladies' Men Club

"What did I do wrong _this_ time?" the man in a monk's robe moaned, his head on the bar. His cheek still bore the imprint of a hand, a gift from a very irate demon slayer earlier that day. "I mean, it's not like I haven't touched her there before…"

He took a gulp of the beer in front of him, and sighed. "Perhaps I need to approach her a different way," he mused. "My methods have worked on other women before, but Sango is far more precious to me, and worthy of better. But who to ask for advice? Certainly not Inuyasha, or any of the others." Miroku sighed again. "I need some help."

* * *

"What's wrong with you?" a voice asked. Miroku lifted his head off the bar to see a man in a black suit with a cigarette sticking out of the corner of his mouth behind the bar drying a wine glass. "Too much beer?"

"If that were only the case," Miroku said wistfully, "then I would not be feeling so wretched."

"Ah, a woman, right?" said the other man, hanging the glass up and letting out a plume of smoke. "I know just how you feel. The navigator on our ship makes me feel exactly the same way."

Miroku looked up at this, and was surprised to find that his companion's visible eye, the other being hidden behind a curtain of blond hair, had at some point during his speech become a large heart. "My Nami is so gorgeous that she makes the sun jealous, and all the treasure in the world is like trash beside her."

Noting these comments in the back of his mind for future use, Miroku began to feel more hopeful. Had he found the help he needed?

"I am Miroku, an itinerant monk," he said, offering a hand.

"Sanji. Usually cook of the Straw-Hat Pirates, currently barkeep here due to… an accident," the blond replied, returning the handshake. "So, what happened with your lady to make you feel so low?"

"I have never had a problem with the ladies before," Miroku began, "but my dearest Sango is entirely different. None of my usual methods work with her, and more often than not, I end up with nothing but bruises for my trouble."

"I have the same trouble with Nami," Sanji said in understanding. "What methods do you use?"

"I'll show you," Miroku said. He stood and, looking around, spied a young woman sitting alone at the other end of the bar. Pointing her out to Sanji, he made his way over to her while Sanji watched.

"Excuse me, miss," he said, raising his voice enough for her to hear him over the noisy crowd, "would you be willing to bear my child?"

* * *

At the other end of the bar, Sanji choked. The man called _that_ an approach? What a complete _lecher_!

By now, Miroku had returned to Sanji, a new handprint mirroring his earlier one. "She doesn't seem to like it either…" he said sorrowfully.

Sanji growled, and restrained himself from kicking the monk. He didn't want to be made to stay longer to pay for more breakages caused by another brawl. "I can't believe you just did that," he growled instead, the menace in his voice clear. "You do _not_ treat a lady like that! You need to be kind, sensitive, polite and have half a dozen other qualities you obviously lack!"

"So how do you do it then?" Miroku wanted to know. "Your methods obviously aren't working with this Nami woman; why should I believe that your way works at all?"

"Just watch," Sanji snarled, standing. He made his way over to the same girl.

"I apologise for my vulgar friend," he said to her, smiling as his eye became a heart again. "After all, the fool failed to see that you are more beautiful than a summer rose, and sweeter than the finest dessert. Please, allow me to prepare you the most delicious drink you have ever tasted, though it will pale into insignificance beside your perfection. On the house."

The girl gave him a shy and somewhat bemused smile, and Sanji took this for assent. He waltzed around behind the bar and began mixing her a cocktail, quelling the owner's protests with a single death-promising glare.

* * *

Miroku sighed as he watched Sanji and the girl chatting and laughing as she sipped her cocktail. Sanji was much better at this than he was. Then he brightened. So Sanji was the right person to get advice and tips from!

He was about to join them to congratulate and beg lessons from Sanji when the door to the street opened, revealing a tall man with dark blond hair so long it covered his eyes. He was wearing white pants, a red top with a white design and a blue neck-kerchief, and had a relaxed, devil-may-care attitude about him.

The girl squealed, and ran to him, Sanji and her cocktail forgotten. "Nanashi!" she shrieked, and threw herself into his arms.

"Hey, babe," he said, smiling down at her. "Did you miss me?"

"Oh, of course, Nanashi," she cooed. "It's been _awfully_ dull without you."

They then turned and left, her clinging to his arm, leaving a shattered Sanji and a secretly amused Miroku behind.

"You know, I thought when I saw you two together that you were the right person to ask for help with women," Miroku said, clapping a hand on Sanji's shoulder. "But now…"

"Asking for help…" said Sanji slowly, ignoring Miroku and staring after the departed couple. "Hey, hold on," he called suddenly, throwing down the tea-towel he'd been holding. "I want to ask you something!"

"Asking for help was my idea!" Miroku shouted after him as Sanji leapt the bar and took off, long legs flashing. "So wait for me! I want to ask him too!"

* * *

I have nothing against any of these characters, and think they're all cute.

Though this is currently a oneshot, I may continue it if anyone thinks it's worth it. Sanji and Miroku taking lessons in the Nanashi method could be interesting...


	2. How It All Works

Gomen nasai! It took me forever to update this; partially because I was distracted by other stories, partially because of uni.

I still own no characters mentioned by name. Virtual chocolate for those who can identify all the characters!

* * *

Outside, Miroku and Sanji looked up and down the street for Nanashi, but he was nowhere in sight.

"We've lost him," Sanji sighed.

"Lost who?" a voice asked behind them.

They both jumped, then turned to find the very blonde they had been seeking standing right behind them.

"It's you!" they exclaimed together.

"Nanashi, professional thief," he introduced himself. "Were you two looking for me?"

"We wanted to ask you about your methods with women," Sanji confessed. "I consider myself to be an expert in the area of love, but I've never managed to charm a woman as well as you. What's your secret?"

A gleam appeared in Nanashi's eye. "Do you really want to know?" he asked.

The monk and the chef nodded.

"Well, I run a school for men like you," Nanashi explained. "Men who, like you, want me to share the secret of my incredible success with women. Are you interested in joining?"

"Absolutely!" Miroku exclaimed. "Where do we sign up?"

x

"Welcome, my new friends, to the School for the Nanashi Method!" Nanashi proclaimed, gesturing to the painted sign above the door of a three-storey wooden building with a blue-tiled roof that swept out gracefully from each level.

"This is school?" Miroku asked doubtfully. "It doesn't look very important, so why is Kagome always so worried about it?"

"Is this Kagome the lady you are so desperate to impress?" Nanashi asked, sliding the screen door across and entering the building.

"No, though it would be nice," Miroku answered, following him. "The lady dearest to me is Sango, a demon slayer with hair as black as night and a body…"

"Ah, I see which one you belong to," Nanashi said knowingly. "And you, Sanji?"

"My Nami is a vision of perfection," Sanji gushed, his eye becoming a heart at the mere thought of her. "Her laughter is the sweetest song in the world, and her anger can bathe the world in its fiery glow…"

"And you're easy to place too," finished Nanashi. "You see, at the School for Nanashi's Method, we match all applicants to a suitable girl, and if, with my help, you can succeed with her, you have completed your training and are well-equipped to pursue your true love."

"A suitable girl?" Miroku murmured, his fingers twitching slightly in anticipation.

"Here, I'll show you what I mean," Nanashi said, leading them along a corridor lined by paper sliding doors. He stopped at one of the doors, and slid it open a little way.

"We only have two other students with us at the moment," he whispered. "This one likes teenage girls, so he has been matched with a local high school student. Observe."

Miroku eagerly pressed his eye to the gap, followed a little reluctantly by Sanji. Inside the room, a man in a belted robe was trailing round a table after a girl in a short blue skirt and blouse.

"Oh, Susie, why won't you listen to me?" the man asked, almost whining.

The girl, however, paid him no attention at all. "I must get back to my darling Kiyo!" she said, apparently speaking to something round and red in her hand, then giggled. "I need to give him all the fruit people I made for him! Isn't that right, Mr. Apple?"

Sanji and Miroku blinked and looked at the table, which had a fruit bowl heaped high with half a dozen varieties of fruit, and their mouths dropped open as they realised that every piece of fruit had a face drawn on it.

"Oh, to be a respected novelist, yet ignored by such a pretty high school girl!" the man complained, a hand across his face in a dramatic gesture as he continued to follow her. "It's almost as bad as having my editor always after me. That reminds me. What should I do to her when the next deadline comes around?"

"Unfortunately, Shigure is making slow progress," Nanashi sighed, and slid the door closed again. "Shall we continue?"

"Oops, I missed one! This orange needs a face!" they heard Susie exclaim. There was an 'oof!', as if Shigure had bumped into her, followed by a loud popping sound, and a large black dog shot through the door they had just left to race across the hall and into another room.

"Of course, he has problems other than his approach," Nanashi added thoughtfully as his companions stared in astonishment. "Would you like to meet the other student?" Without waiting for an answer, he continued down the hall, and Sanji and Miroku nearly scrambled to keep up.

"This young man has an eye for beautiful girls, but he has commitment problems, which I intend to help him overcome," Nanashi explained. Miroku and Sanji watched through the door as a girl in a short red dress and black shorts with long pink hair stood waiting impatiently. Almost immediately, their gaze was drawn to a door on the opposite side of the room as it slid open, revealing a youth with brown skin and dark hair whose eyes were merely slits at first, but as soon as they fell on the young woman, they became bright pink hearts.

"Hey, he looks like you did when you were talking to that girl in the bar!" Miroku whispered to Sanji.

"I looked… like _that_?" Sanji whispered in horror.

Further conversation was abandoned as the man rushed over the girl and fell at her feet, grasping her hands between his own. "Help me!" he said dramatically. "For I fear I may die if I do not discover the name of such a beautiful flower as yourself."

"Um… I'm Sakura," she said, blushing faintly.

"Hello, Sakura," he said smoothly, a glint in his eye. "I am Brock, and I'm desperately in love with you."

Sakura's blush deepened, and she writhed a little under his attention. "That's very sweet of you, Brock, but my one and only love is Sasuke Uchiha." She sighed happily, then giggled. "But if I go with you for a while, Sasuke might get jealous and actually notice me…"

She blinked as she turned to look at the kneeling Brock and found him missing. "Where did he go?" she asked blankly.

"Excuse me miss, but may I have the pleasure of your name?" everyone heard him ask. Sanji and Miroku blinked in astonishment, and turned to see Brock kneeling at the feet of another pink-haired girl behind them, his eyes hearts.

"I'm Mimi Tachikawa," she answered, hiding a giggle behind her hand.

"Mimi my dear, you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen!" he declared, and started to shower her with praise.

"'Most… beautiful… woman…'" a voice behind them bellowed, and the two men instinctively ducked out of the way as a furious Sakura surrounded by flames burst through the door and launched herself at the unfortunate Brock.

"Like I said, commitment problems," Nanashi said, slowly shaking his head. "Oh well. Would you two like to meet your girls now?"

* * *

You need to review if you want me to send you your virtual chocolate...


	3. Meeting The Girls

Geez, I haven't put anything up for ages. Between exams and kitchen renovations, my life has been upside down and back to front for ages, but now I am finally back. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: If the character has a name, they don't belong to me. Nanashi's school does though, and I have the deed to prove it.

* * *

"We'll take you first, Sanji," Nanashi said, beckoning them onwards. "New students are put up on the second floor, and the teaching rooms are on the top floor. I'll introduce you both to your girls and give you some time to talk to them, then I'll expect you up in the classroom for your first lesson."

"What sort of lesson do you think he'll be teaching us?" Sanji asked Miroku quietly as they followed Nanashi up the stairs.

"My friend, does it truly matter?" Miroku asked philosophically. "All that concerns me is the young beauty I am about to meet."

"You're not going to ask her to bear your child again, are you?" Sanji asked suspiciously.

"You are so suspicious, and without cause!" Miroku protested with a look of injured pride on his face. "As if I could carry out such a lecherous act!"

Sanji's retort was stopped by Nanashi halting outside a screen door. "Here we are!" he announced brightly. He knocked on the frame of the door as Sanji straightened his tie and brushed down his jacket while Miroku hid a smirk at his new friend's obvious nervousness.

"Relax," he whispered in Sanji's ear. "Women can smell fear; she'll eat you alive if you go in like this."

Sanji shot him a withering glance, but immediately turned back to the door as the woman inside called out, "Come in!"

Nanashi slid the door open and motioned that Sanji should enter. "Now for introductions. Orihime, this is Sanji. Sanji, allow me to introduce the lovely Orihime."

Miroku began drooling and Sanji's visible eye became a pink heart as a very well-endowed young woman with long orange hair stepped into view. "It's a pleasure to meet you," she said, bowing to Sanji while Miroku put a hand to his nose to prevent a nosebleed at the view.

Sanji immediately knelt and, taking her hand, kissed it. "The pleasure is all mine, my gorgeous goddess," he said smoothly. Orihime blinked, then giggled and pulled him to his feet.

"We'll leave you two to get acquainted," Nanashi said with a casual wave as he shut the door and pulled Miroku along behind him.

x

"Now, I have to warn you," Nanashi said to Miroku as they walked further along the corridor, "the lady you are about to meet can be a little hot-tempered at times, and has a tendency to hit when she's unhappy."

"You have Sango here for me?" Miroku asked in surprise.

"Of course not," Nanashi said dismissively. "But when I said we match you with suitable girls, I meant we choose someone as similar as possible to the woman you desire, and the closest match for your Sango I found was the woman you're about to meet."

Nanashi stopped by another door and knocked, but his knuckles had barely left the wooden frame when the door flew open and a woman with her black hair pulled up into a bun on top of her head came out into the corridor. "What's going on?" she asked in a menacing voice, one fist raised threateningly. "You asked me for some help and I agreed, but then you leave me in here all alone with no idea of what I'm meant to be doing…"

"Ah, Chi Chi!" said Nanashi brightly. "I was just coming to explain to you…" He whispered in her ear for a moment, and she sniffed.

"What a ridiculous idea," she said disapprovingly. "A man teaching other men to talk to women properly. You'll never get anywhere like that!"

"Which is why I've asked for your help," Nanashi said, sweeping an arm across her shoulders. "After all, you are an expert on women."

Her ruffled feathers soothed, Chi Chi began to calm down. "I suppose that's true."

"Wonderful! This is your pupil, Miroku," Nanashi said, propelling Miroku forward.

"Well, we'd better get started," Chi Chi said, shooting a withering glance at Miroku. "Come in."

She turned and marched back into her room, and Miroku, with a disbelieving look at Nanashi, followed her.

x

"So, Mr. Sanji, what do you like to do?" Orihime asked.

"I love to meet beautiful women like you, my sweet," he replied.

"Um, I mean… what do you do for a living?" she asked, thrown off by his quick answer and the heart in his eye.

"I'm a cook on a pirate ship, and I sail the seas looking for the All Blue," he answered, the heart disappearing as he became serious.

"Ooh, you're a cook?" Orihime asked in excitement. "That's amazing! I love to cook too! What sort of food do you like to make?"

"Whatever a beauty like yourself desires," he said as with a grand sweeping gesture he bowed her to a seat. "What would you like me to cook for you?"

"Um… do you have green onions and sweetbean paste?" she asked eagerly as she sat at the low table.

An expression of amazed distaste flickered across Sanji's face almost too fast to see before he said, "I will inspect the kitchens immediately and make you a dish so wonderful you will believe you are merely dreaming!"

x

"Do you always wear dresses?" Chi Chi asked, sounding a little disapproving.

"Ma'am, please!" Miroku protested. "This is not a dress, but the traditional robe of my faith. All monks wear robes such as these."

"So you're some kind of priest?" she asked.

"Not a priest, a monk," he corrected.

"Listen here, priest. The first lesson you need to know about women is they're always right. Got it?"

"A-ah, yes," Miroku answered, trembling under the force of her fiery glare.

"Good," she said, settling down again and smiling. "You're learning fast. Now see if you can remember!"

"This has to be karma…" he muttered.

x

"Green onions and sweetbean paste," Sanji murmured in disgust as he rummaged through the cupboards of the communal kitchen downstairs. "How can such a beautiful girl like such a horrible combination?"

"Mr. Sanji!" Orihime called down the stairs. "Did you have any luck?"

"I'm still looking, precious blossom!" he called back, not missing a beat.

"That's a pity, because Mr. Nanashi says you and the other boys have to go to the classroom now," she said, sounding disappointed.

"Fear not, my gorgeous angel," Sanji cried, hurrying to the foot of the stairs and doing his wiggly love-struck dance. "I shall complete that thief's lessons and return to cook your dish for you faster than you can say 'I love you Sanji!'"

x

"So, what is the first lesson?" Chi Chi demanded.

"Women are always right," Miroku recited dully.

"And the second?"

"Even when technically incorrect, the woman is still not wrong. She is only not quite as right as she thought she was." This was the twelfth time he had been made to recite 'The Woman Rules', according to Chi Chi, and she still showed no signs of letting up.

"The third lesson?"

"Unfortunately, speaking of lessons, it's time for mine to commence," said Nanashi from the doorway. "Would you mind letting me borrow him for a while?"

"Take him," Chi Chi said dismissively. "Maybe he can teach the rest of you what he's learned."

Once outside the door, Miroku fell to the floor and hugged Nanashi around the knees. "Thank you for saving me!" he gasped. "I don't know how much longer I can survive her!"

"Not working out?" Nanashi asked, hiding a smile. "Chi Chi's lovely when you get to know her. I'm sure you'll get on better after this lesson."

Miroku stared at him in horror. "You mean I have to go back to her?"

Nanashi nodded. "Once this lesson is done, yes."

"Oh no. Oh no, no, no," Miroku moaned as Nanashi dragged him towards the stairs for his first class.

* * *

Next time: The Lesson, where some of the age-old questions shall be answered... 


	4. Lessons

My muse must love me; I just wrote about half this chapter in one sitting.

Disclaimer: Sticking to the previous one.

* * *

"Sanji!" a redheaded woman called impatiently from the doorway of the bar.

"Oh, Miss Nami!" the barman said anxiously, scuttling out from behind the bar. "It's terrible! That violent brute from your crew left without paying for all the damage he caused when he started that fight last week…"

Nami sighed, and a vein began to twitch above her eye. "Which way did he go?" she asked.

"He and the strange monk followed that Nanashi fellow out," the unfortunate man explained, wringing his hands in dismay.

"Monk?" Nami asked puzzled.

"Monk?" another voice asked. "He didn't happen to act like a dirty old man and ask any of the women here to bear his child, did he?"

Nami choked, and a hand thumped her on the back. "I know, he can be a bit much sometimes," said the voice sympathetically. When Nami had recovered her breath, she turned to see a woman dressed in a pink and white kimono with a green apron tied about her waist. The most noticeable thing about her, though, was the boomerang taller than she was slung on her back.

"I'm Sango, a demon slayer," she explained. "And the monk sounds like the man I've been looking for. We should have known better than to let him go off drinking by himself."

"Nami, navigator," Nami said. "Do you know anything about this Nanashi guy?"

"I'd be surprised if she did," said another voice. "You'd have to hang around with all the wrong types of people to know _him_." A pink-haired woman at a nearby table stood and joined them. "Or me," she added playfully with a giggle.

"And you are?" Nami asked, folding her arms.

"Someone to be wary of, little girl," she answered, suddenly a lot more serious. "I am Dorothy, and I am a powerful witch."

"Really? A witch?" Sango asked doubtfully while Nami struggled to hide a snigger.

"Really!" Dorothy snapped, and with a snap of her fingers and a quick mutter, a dagger appeared in her hand in a puff of smoke.

"Neat trick," said Nami, secretly impressed.

"What were you saying about Nanashi?" asked Sango.

"He's a thief," she answered off-handedly, still playing with her dagger. "But unfortunately, Ginta wants him back, and I'll do anything for my darling Ginta!" She ended on a squeal, and Sango and Nami exchanged a 'What's with her?' glance.

"So, if all three of them have gone off together, shall we go after them together?" Dorothy asked.

x

"What happened to you?" Sanji asked, lifting an eyebrow at Miroku's dejection.

"You really do not want to know," the monk answered, not bothering to lift his head off the desk.

Before Sanji could say anything, the two men they had seen earlier entered the classroom and took the seats behind them. "So, you two are the new guys, hmm?" Shigure asked.

"Yeah. I'm Sanji," the blonde said.

"And on my better days, I am Miroku," he said, half-raising a hand.

"Ah, I see Shigure and Brock are already teaching you how this classroom works," Nanashi said brightly, almost hidden behind the large stack of books he was carrying.

"Oh, not the books again," Brock moaned quietly.

"So, what sort of lessons does he teach, anyway?" Sanji whispered as Nanashi set the massive pile of books down on the raised desk that stood in front of a blackboard at the front of the room.

"Well, yesterday it was how to choose a wine to go with dinner," Shigure said, leaning on his desk and propping up his head with one hand. "That wasn't much use to me, as the girls I like are too young to drink anyway. He did say he was planning to rethink the syllabus after seeing our lack of interest yesterday, though."

Before anyone could say anything more, Nanashi called for their attention. "I know that yesterday's lesson wasn't the most interesting one I've given, but it did have a purpose, and… yes, Brock?"

"When will you teach us how to ask a girl out without being rejected?" Brock asked eagerly.

"When I have taught you how to behave on a date. If I teach you the asking part first, you may be tempted to use your knowledge before you are ready for the actual date, completely ruining any chance you had with that girl," Nanashi replied smoothly, not missing a beat.

"As I was saying, today's lesson will be quite different!" he said enthusiastically. "These legendary books, in which the wisdom of men regarding women has been collected for centuries, will be… tossed aside in favour of the new and so much better wisdom of my years of experience and success!"

Nanashi pushed the stack of books off the desk, and they fell with a resounding crash all over the floor as his class stared at him, dumbfounded. "Instead, today, we will first have a quick test to see your current skill level."

"A test! I knew I should have studied!" Brock groaned, head in his hands.

"First question! If a woman asks, 'Does this dress make me look fat?', what is the correct response?" he asked, writing the question up on the blackboard as he went. "Brock?"

"Of course not!" Brock said proudly. This was easy!

"Wrong. She will automatically think you're lying," Nanashi said briskly. "Shigure?"

"Yes, it does," he answered lazily.

Nanashi gave him a look that said 'What do you think?', and turned to the next student. "Miroku?"

"You answer, 'It's a lovely colour'," the monk said, lifting up his head and taking an interest.

"She'll just tell you off for changing the subject," Nanashi said, "but that was a good try. Sanji?"

"You say, 'Anything looks good on you, honey,'" he answered, lighting up a fresh cigarette.

"Yes! Well done! That is one of the few answers that will not result in you being coldly ignored or berated for the rest of the day. Write that answer down, class," Nanashi added.

"Right, next question! If you are walking with your girl, and you see this girl," he said, turning on a projector and showing a slide of a pretty woman, "walking on the other side of the street and your girl asks you if you think she's pretty, what is your answer? Sanji?"

"Hello, gorgeous," Sanji said, his cigarette dangly limply from the corner of his mouth as he stared at the picture.

Nanashi's mouth twitched in amusement, and he turned to Brock, whose eyes had become pink hearts. "Brock?"

"Hmm? What? Did you say something?"

Nanashi sighed. "Shigure? What's your answer?"

"She's not my type," Shigure replied.

"Nice, but she won't take that as an answer," Nanashi said. "What about you, Miroku?"

"I'd say, 'As if I could look at any other woman when I'm with you!'" he answered.

Nanashi caught himself gaping, and shut his mouth quickly. "That is absolutely correct, but remember class, it will only work if it is said in a completely sincere tone, so practise that fake sincerity!"

"Hey, Miroku," Sanji whispered as Nanashi began writing the next question up on the board. "How did you know that?"

"Easy," he replied. "I'd rather sleep with one woman than upset two."

* * *

Reviews make me happy... 


	5. Final Exams

I'm so sorry! It took me forever to finish this. I never post a story I don't intend to finish, and to finally complete one that has been sitting around like this for so long is a real accomplishment. Oh, that is so sad. Anyway, on to the chapter!

I have stuck by my rules, and still own no one mentioned by name. I have changed Orihime into Japanese, as I can't work out her English forms of address.

* * *

"What can you see?" Sango asked in a whisper.

"Not a lot," Nami answered, steadying herself against the wall. She was standing atop Sango's shoulders and peering through a second floor window, having found all the rooms on this side of the first floor to be empty.

"You two look so ridiculous!" Dorothy giggled, playing with the bracelet around her wrist. "You have no idea about spying."

"Got a better idea, witch?" Nami asked scathingly, getting down.

"Always," the pink-haired woman answered with a smirk. "Dimension ÄRM: Watching Bird!"

The tiny bird fluttered upwards and through the slightly open window and a wavering portal appeared in the air before Dorothy. "We can see everything the bird sees through this," she explained.

"Where did you get that?" Nami asked, immediately entranced. Think how much she could steal if she could use this to scout ahead!

"I'm afraid it's one of a kind," Dorothy replied, making Nami pout.

"Shush! The bird found someone!" Sango hissed urgently, pointing to the screen. The three women bent their heads over to get a better look, and Nami gasped.

"That's Sanji!" she exclaimed.

"Let's see what he's up to," Dorothy whispered.

x

"Wow, Sanji-san!" Orihime exclaimed, clapping her hands together. "You're so talented!"

"This is nothing before your beauty," Sanji answered as his knife flashed through the air, slicing the green onions into thin slices and flipping them into a sizzling pan.

"Don't say that!" she protested. "Your cutting skills are really impressive! When I cut up green onions, I cut really slowly and my knife goes everywhere, so my onions end up as messy as Kurosaki-kun's hair!"

Sanji choked, and his knife slipped and cut his thumb. "K-Kurosaki-kun?" he asked shakily, not even noticing the blood flowing from his thumb.

"Oh, Sanji-san! You're hurt!" Orihime cried, and held her hands up to the blue flower-shaped pins that adorned her hair. "Shun'ou! Ayame!"

Ignoring the orange light bathing his hand, Sanji kept his eyes on the girl in front of him. "Who is Kurosaki-kun?" he asked hoarsely.

"He… he's a friend!" she answered, looking up at him with a bright smile that he could tell was forced. "A friend from school. Why do you ask?"

"Never mind," he muttered, turning away. "It doesn't matter."

_I should have asked, right from the start,_ he thought dully. _I should have asked if she already had someone. But the love shining in her eyes when she says his name… I'm such a shithead._

x

"That idiot!" Nami exclaimed, clenching her fists. "It's obvious that girl is in love with someone else! How could he force his way in like that? When I get hold of him…"

"Calm down!" Sango said, grabbing Nami by the arm as she straightened up, fire in her eyes. "Let's find the others first! I don't know about this Nanashi, but Miroku will flee if he hears an uproar nearby!"

"Nanashi probably would too," Dorothy said nastily. "We'll locate them first. _Then _we'll go and get that insensitive jerk!"

x

Miroku sighed, and taking a deep breath, knocked on the door of Chi Chi's room.

"Is that you again, dress-boy?" came the voice that Miroku was beginning to fear more than not defeating Naraku. "Get in here, and I'll continue your lesson. Let's hope you actually _learn _something this time…"

Miroku sighed again, and entered to find Chi Chi not even looking at him. She was sitting with her back to the door, leaning over the table to rub at a spot on it that seemed to offend her.

Mesmerised by the slight wiggling of her hips as she rubbed, Miroku moved closer, her voice washing over him but having no effect. In his lesson-tortured mind, her wiggling became inviting, and he smothered a giggle as his hand reached out…

"You pervert!" Chi Chi screamed, leaping to her feet and rounding on the monk. "How dare you! My husband Goku is the strongest man in the world, and he's going to rip you to shreds when I tell him about this!"

Miroku was forced to cover his head with his arms as Chi Chi's blows began raining down on him. "I pity the man who lives with you…" he said under his breath.

"WHAT was that?" Chi Chi demanded, and with a well-placed kick, sent him flying across the room to crash through the door and into the hallway. "You are in so much trouble now! I'll strangle you with those ridiculous beads around your wrist, you slimy toad!"

x

"Forget the thief, we get the monk and kill him NOW!" Dorothy yelled. "Why the hell do you want this guy back?"

"I don't remember at the moment," Sango said grimly, hefting her Hiraikotsu threateningly.

"Remember, I want a go at him too," Nami said maliciously. "Imagine: hitting on a married woman!"

"Forget that!" Dorothy yelled. "Treating any woman like that is unacceptable!"

Suddenly, a thought struck Nami and Dorothy at the same time. "He doesn't treat you like that, does he?" they both asked Sango.

"Good day!" a voice said brightly from behind them, saving Sango from having to answer. The three girls turned to see Shigure, who had been strolling through the school's gardens. "Are you lovely ladies here for the next batch of students?"

"Students?" Nami echoed in puzzlement. "What are you talking about?"

x

"So that perverted thief drags in girls without telling them what's going on and sets them up as _practise girlfriends_ for whatever other perverts he finds randomly wandering the streets?" Sango asked incredulously.

"That is so sick!" Nami yelled.

Expecting to hear a similar outburst from the witch next to her, she turned to her for support, and faltered as she saw the look in her eyes. Shigure took the opportunity to disappear as fast as he could. "Ah… Dorothy?" Nami asked hesitantly.

"He's gone too far," Dorothy hissed, her eyes ablaze. "NANASHI!"

x

Sanji sat at the kitchen table, head in his hands. "What sort of gentleman am I?" he asked himself. "I didn't even ask if she already had someone before I started trying to make her mine…"

"Maybe you'll think twice next time," a voice said from the doorway, and Sanji spun to find Nami glaring at him.

"Nami!" Sanji cried as he knelt at her feet and his eye once more became a pink heart. "How I have missed you, my gorgeous blossom!"

"I bet you called _her_ that too, didn't you?" Nami asked, a vein above her eye twitching.

"Who, my sweet?" he asked, gazing up at her adoringly.

"Wrong answer," she said grimly.

x

Miroku lay in the hallway, still winded from Chi Chi's kick. "She's strong…" he murmured dazedly.

A shadow loomed over him, and he instinctively covered his face with his arms. _Here it comes,_ he thought, and braced himself for the impact. "I'm sorry!" he cried.

"Somehow, I don't believe you," a familiar voice said, and he uncovered his eyes to find Sango standing over him.

"Oh, dear Sango!" he cried in relief, and scrambled to wrap himself around her knees. "Help! Save me from that demon in human form…"

"You mean that woman you just groped, you dirty pervert?" Sango asked coldly, one eyebrow arched. "She just left, shouting that she was going to fetch her husband and get him to flatten you into a rug for her living room."

Miroku whimpered, and Sango continued. "While I do believe that you deserve that, I am not going to allow it." Miroku looked up hopefully, but his hopes were dashed a second later as she added, "I want to punish you instead!"

Miroku had time for one short yelp as Hiraikotsu came crashing down.

x

"NANASHI!" Dorothy yelled as she stalked through the building. "Get out here NOW!"

Her target was just around the corner, watching her get closer and closer with every angry stride. "Uh oh," he said under his breath, and turned to sneak away.

Unfortunately for him, Dorothy caught sight of his blond hair swinging behind him, and launched herself after him. "How dare you do that to all those girls?" she screamed.

Nanashi took off at a run and risked a glance over his shoulder, then wished he hadn't. Dorothy had raised a wrist and one of her bracelets was glowing blue. "Sic him, Toto!" she screamed.

x

"So you found him OK?" Nami asked Sango. Behind her, a bruised Sanji trailed in her wake, his words nearly tripping over themselves in his hurry to shower her with praise and apologies.

"Fine," Sango answered cheerfully. A battered Miroku hunched at her feet, and her every movement made him flinch. "How do you think Dorothy went?"

A yell of pain from higher up, followed by a shout of triumph, made both girls look upwards. "I thought this was the top floor," Sango said, puzzled.

"We'd better check it out," Nami said, and began searching for a way up. It wasn't long before she came across a ladder and, followed by Sango and the two men helping each other up, they climbed it and came out on the rooftop to see a very peculiar sight.

Nanashi was clinging desperately to a thin chimney, legs wildly flailing in mid-air as he kicked out at the massive blue dog that was growling and menacing him as Dorothy watched. A section of his white trousers was missing, revealing both the success of at least one attack and his yellow duck-covered pink boxer shorts.

"Take that, you perverted thief!" she yelled. "Let's see how _you_ like being used as a toy!"

"Sanji! Miroku!" Nanashi screamed, dodging a lunge from the dog. "Help me!"

"Do you think I'm suicidal?" Sanji asked, lighting a cigarette and taking a drag. "I'm not stepping into a lady's fight."

"That was one of the first things you taught us, _sensei_," Miroku added, examining some of his bruises. "If we helped you now, you'd probably fail us!"

"They did learn something after all," Nami said, grinning. The three women burst out laughing as Nanashi continued to struggle and Sanji and Miroku privately vowed never to ask for help with women again.

x

Epilogue:

"Hello? Is anyone here?" a young man with long purple hair called. "I'm looking for Nanashi. Has anyone seen him?"

Silence answered his shouts, and the wind whistled through the empty house. The young man settled himself on the front steps and sighed.

"Just great. He asks me to bring him some women, and then he disappears. I'm probably going to have to go on a date with every one of them to make it up to them. What a pain."

As he stood up and stretched, a piece of paper that had been attached to the door caught his eye. Frowning, he sauntered over and as he read it, his face paled. Within seconds, he had taken to the sky and was flying away as fast as he could, leaving the note far behind him.

_Dear Dark,_

_Nanashi tells us that you are the one who supplies him with women for the perverted experiment he had running here. Be warned that we know where you are, and even your legendary Phantom Thief skills will not be enough to save you from our wrath._

_Sincerely,_

_Your Worst Nightmare._

* * *

I had a lot of fun with this one. I hope you did too!


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